Listening To My Life

Legacy

Yesterday, I reconnected with someone I've not seen since I was a child. We didn't have much time to catch up, but we covered some of the bigger points. When I mentioned that my dad and mom were both dead, she said, "I remember your dad. He was the only man I've ever known who had cocktails in the afternoon."

Interesting, that memory, and not entirely accurate. But that's not important. It's what she remembers. It's obviously her biggest and strongest memory of him, in fact. And not only am I kinda sad about that, but I know he'd be mortified to know that that's part of his legacy.

I'd never thought about that before--and felt slightly alarmed to realize that, only recently, I had a conversation with another childhood friend where I told her that the thing I most remembered about her dad was that he wouldn't shake anyone's hand lest he caught some germ. Now I wonder how knowing that landed for her. I'll have to ask.

I know we each can't live our lives based on what we think people will remember of us after we're gone, or what we want them to remember. That would be sheer insanity. I think all we can do is live our lives in the best ways we know how, and in ways that make us feel great, and hope that something good of us will be what carries on when we're gone.

Going, going....

I read this article weeks ago, and have been meaning to write about it ever since. Tonight at dinner with friends, it came up in conversation, giving me just the reminder I needed.

The article is about 25 things that are disappearing from American life. On the list are things like answering machines, the Yellow Pages, dial-up Internet access, cameras that use film--all very interesting, and things that were absolutely of great importance to me at points in time in my life. The two that I was saddest to see on the list? Hand-written letters, and Chesapeake Bay blue crabs.

Now, it's true that I haven't written an actual hand-written letter in many years, but that's because I'm a card sender, and my hand-written notes tend to be inside those. Still, the thought that technology has done away with something that I find to be so utterly romantic caused me to sigh deeply.

And as for the Chesapeake Bay blue crab, it's really impossible to grow up in Baltimore, the child of someone who grew up in Baltimore, and not fret over thinking that the day will come when people will no longer know the joy that is the summer social event known here as eating steamed (Maryland) crabs. For us, it's as American as apple pie, and it's painful to realize that something I believe every one of us thought would always be available simply won't be.

And while many of the items on the list were things I nodded my head about, simultaneously thinking about its far better replacement, these two made me think of all the things I must be taking entirely for granted. Like crabs and letters, for instance. Others I've thought of that might not survive current or not-so-distantly available technology or lifestyle changes are movie theatres, bookstores, libraries--and frankly, that's where I stopped--I simply didn't want to consider more.

In Death Comes for the Archbishop, Willa Cather wrote. "Men travel faster now, but I do not know if they go to better things." As inevitable as all change is, I think she's absolutely right. Although I absolutely love some change, some of the rest of it just isn't lovable.

25 things disappearing from our lives

There are moments I've wished that I'd kept a log of things that have come and gone in my life. Just the technology category would be vast, but I wonder about other categories...like books that have gone out of print and are impossible to get, or movies they don't show on TV but aren't also available for purchase, or cars I thought were cool, but bombed in sales and were removed from production, or people no longer in my life--for whatever reason. And maybe I'm more sensitive to it now because there is literally no one alive anymore who knows the history of me. There's no one to ask whether I've had the mumps, or at what age I started to walk, or who my very best friend was, or how old I was when we got our first VCR. As I get older, I let more go, and consequently remember less. So maybe I ought to be writing some of this stuff down so that I can at least look back on some of it and reflect on my life "back in the day."

In case you've never considered it, do you think it would be neat or a total bore to catalog, in some fashion, a list of things (and maybe people) that have come in and out of your life?

And if you want to do it, here's a cool list of 25 things you may never consider on your own, from the fine folks at  Wallet Pop.

I admit that #19--the Maryland Blue Crab was the hardest for me to read about. Being a Baltimore girl, some of my fondest memories are of crab feasts with friends and family. To think that could be a thing of the past makes me truly sad.

Springing my toes? Not quite yet

The trees think it's Spring. The grass and daffodils are starting to think it's Spring. The calendar says it's Spring. But the greyness of the sky, and the people still walking around in hats, gloves, and heavy coats let me know that it's really not yet Spring. Not here in Baltimore, anyway. As such, it's not yet time for me to break out the sandals and set my toes free for the season (and you don't know how badly I want to do that--especially after they were freed so wonderfully in Vegas!). Maybe next week?

(photo via my crackberry, in some restaurant parking lot)

5%

Before I left for Vegas, Dawn and I were talking about the sadnesses that we carry inside us. For me, it’s that I will never have a nurturing relationship with my parents. It’s not something that gets in my way—it doesn’t stop me from having a great life, but it is the thing that I carry with me that will forever keep my life from being perfect (from my perspective). It’s always going to be just about 5% “less than.”

Dawn said that she thinks we all have that thing—that sad thing we carry that keeps life from being absolutely perfect and that can never be fixed or reclaimed or gotten in any way. And after thinking about that for several days I wanted to ask you…what’s your ‘5%” thing?

(posted from the Atlanta airport enroute to home--free WiFi is the coolest thing, EVER!!!)

Who thinks up these things?

One last thing from Vegas...

As I mentioned, we spent no time in casinos, but the way things are set up here, we spent an awful lot of time walking through them.

And tonight, I felt seriously drawn by the names of the slot machines. Unlike Hallmark-card-writer, I can't imagine ever being interested in the job of slot-machine-game-namer.

Consider these gems: Twice Your Monkey, Lucky Lion Fish, Rich Little Piggies, Village People Party, and Fairy's Fortune....

I realize they're designed to capture the eyes of people who like whatever topic or theme the name brings to mind, but...c'mon. In general, I wonder what the likes of Dean, Frank, and Sammy would think of today's Vegas?

It's like this sometimes...

It is what it is

D had sent me a link to Lake Superior State University’s 2008 list of words/phrases they feel should be banned from our language. A small university in a smaller town on the Canadian border of Michigan, I had to wonder who in the hell they were to be making lists to begin with (oh, wait…duh…publicity stunt is publicity stunt is publicity stunt).

Unlike Dawn, I don’t agree with most of the words/phrases on the list. I find, in fact, the English language woefully inadequate to express many things, and revel in the creativity that brings to light (and to the world) a new way to express something. And I like most of the items on this list.

The one I think they really screwed the pooch (another nifty phrase, no?) on in terms of understanding its meaning and the broad-reaching impact it can have on people is, “It is what it is.”

In my world, that phrase is an instant path from upset to serenity, not a way of avoiding the reality of a situation. It’s a way for me to get out of my way or to stop twisting endlessly in the wind over something that I simply cannot change. It’s an immediate shifter from upset to peace; the alpha and omega--nothing more need be explained or considered.

There are things in my world that I can (and do) change. But when I can’t make something different, I find it infinitely helpful to whisper to myself, “It is what it is.”

I hate today

"There is a way of breathing that is a shame and a
suffocation and there is another way of expiring...
a love-breath that lets you open infinitely."

-- Rumi

That quotation is one I keep close to me as a reminder of how open I want to be. Today; right now, right here, I can barely manage to read it because I know I'm nowhere near being able to breathe a love-breath.

I’m tired—physically (because I'm bleeding like a stuck pig), emotionally (impact of hormones from bleeding like a stuck pig, and some other stuff going on in my life) and mentally (I've simply taken in far too much information over the past several days and I think my head is going to explode if there's another piece added to it). And for a couple of reasons (none of which, I admit, I may be seeing with any real clarity because of the aforementioned reasons) I feel extremely annoyed with LLE and want to poke him with a stick. I'm overwhelmed and overloaded, and I feel like I could crawl right into a cave and never emerge again. None of that leaves me feeling at all open, gracious, giving, or loving--all hallmarks of my very essence. These are the kinds of days I truly hate with my whole being. The only comfort I have is knowing that I have no more obligations today to anyone other than myself, sleep will heal me, and tomorrow will be a better day. For that knowing, I'm extraordinarily grateful.

Wait...

It's not, in fact, enough.

When all is said and done, only this is truly enough:

I love you

Struggling to express...

There are several things I want to write about (most of them having to do with fabulous people in my life), but none of it comes easily to my page. The depth of feeling I have about them (those I want to write about) is inspired, but the words just don't do justice. It's such a struggle for someone who loves words the way that I do; how is it that I simply cannot convey the experiences I want to share, or the meaning behind things I think and feel?

So I sit and I think, and I spend time being, and I think some more, and I pace, and I think, and I write, and I erase a lot and …well, maybe today this is the best I can do. Finally, there it is…the best I can do. And it's enough.