So, the direction I'm wondering about leads to a person. A person I'm not sure about. And there are reasons I'm not sure. Good ones. At the core of it, I have an unclear picture. Bits of who this person was with me don't line up with other bits of who this person was with me.
So, for me, it's rather like looking through the lens of an SLR camera, trying to make the two semi-circles come together to bring things into focus, and not being able to. Frustrating, this--in the extreme.
And in thinking about it today, I was called to remember another time and another relationship where I had the same out-of-focus thing going on. As painful as things became, I wouldn't let that person walk away. And although who we ultimately became something very different than we'd been to begin with, I'm delighted to say that the picture finally came into focus, and more than a decade later, we're still that "us," and close friends in a way I'm not with anyone else.
Other people I've let go of very easily. And in thinking about it today, it has always been because the picture was absolutely clear to me. There was nothing out of focus; nothing to resolve. Accordingly, it was easy to let go; easy to move on without regret, or looking back with any longing, or any of the pangs and attachments of possibility lost that can be ever-so seductive.
With my current "sign" person, there's a lot to resolve. And more than one picture out of focus. And today I learned that that, more than probably anything else, is why I'm unclear about the direction to move in, and why I'm wanting a sign.
As relationally oriented as I am, finding the clarity and focus is really important to me. It's more than wanting closure--because it's entirely possible that nothing will end, although whatever remains will be different. It's needng to learn from my experiences. And it's wanting to not close a door or see a door closed if that's not necessary.
My greatest need is to know and be known. I don't know how either happens if I don't hold on, or reach for the clarity when it's elusive. And I guess that, in the end, is my sign. Getting that need met sometimes means staying in the fray a little longer, or sometimes even going back in. So there. That's what I'll do.
Thanks for listening....as always.
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