Take it easy, baby

I've finally figured it out. "It" being what most (if not all) of the lessons last year were about.

And I figured it out in the most unlikely of ways (although for me, the most unlikely place/time is usually where the good stuff is)--during a conversation with Jess, my new rock star of a bookkeeper (and now, soul sister on this journey called life).

It was our conversation/consultation about working together. The first time, actually, we'd ever spoken. And we'd gotten into some really deeply intimate stuff (which happens to me fairly often with complete strangers--I love it, but still find it odd!) about our childhoods, our families of origin, and our models for a variety of things, including all things money related.

In that conversation she said to me, "Struggle is a part of my identity."

As easy as pie--there it was...that "it" I mentioned when I started this post.

I've struggled with nearly everything in my life. I've even struggled to figure out why I've struggled so much. But what should I expect, really? Looking at it on the most basic of levels, I had to struggle for what should have been mine, just by virtue of being alive--the love of my parents. Yet, I never managed to get that, so from the get-go, struggle was my model.

You know what? Fuck that. Fuck THAT. Fuckityfuckfuck.  I'm sick of that model. I'm sick of struggling. I'm sick of seeing people move along more quickly when I'm trying harder or have paid more dues.

Yeah.

What's interesting is that just a little less than a year ago, when I had that out-of-the-blue screaming orgasm, JC told me the Universe was sending me a message about ease and bringing ease into my life. I heard her say it...and it landed flat, as in with no meaning to me. But that's the message I was getting over and over again all last year. The difference in the relationships with L and E--how absolutely HARD my relationship with L was, vs. how so very easy things have been with E, is another example. Yet another--unbidden energetic and intuitive events..the ease with which I was being given information, even as I said I didn't want it. There are simply a ton of such messages, all pointing me toward ease, and I couldn't see/hear any of them until Jess said her magical sentence.

Thank you, Jess. SO much. ♥

I started last year (LTML is a year old, yay!) with a decision. I said that no one would be allowed in my life on more than a cursory level who didn't find me to be precious. That was so easy to follow through with. And I have to admit, there's currently no one in life like that.

I'm starting this year focusing on the lesson I obviously was being primed to learn over the last year, which is all around ease. Here's to floating downstream, rather than paddling hard up. Here's to the ease of comfort, and health (the very opposite of dis-ease), and responsibility for all things mine--with help, where appropriate, from others who can help me with the downstreaming of things. And here's to surrender, in ways with which I'm already intimately familiar, and ways that have eluded me for way too long.

Here's to ease...and whatever wonders and miracles that come with it!

Comments

[Sandra Trca-Black]

Ok, so I didn't know you would get It from talking to Jess, but I knew you should know each other. I'm so glad it's happened! :)

xox

[Cindy]

Your insight about the adult difficulties of having grown up with a narcissistic mother have been more helpful to me than you can know. I join you in your year of "ease" and to giving yourself what you couldn't get from your parents.