I’m not entirely sure why I feel like laying this on out there for all to read, except that I believe it, and it made Dawn snort. Maybe it’ll make you snort, too. Maybe you’ll join in on the conversation and share what YOU think. I’d really love that. I would.
We were talking today about why women (some…maybe many) stay in relationships with men where they’re unhappy.
We have talked through several such relationships in the years we’ve been friends, and today, in talking about the woman having an affair with a married man where the sex was awful, I said, said, “I don’t get it—she’s not getting even ONE of the big three.”
The big three are the chief ingredients I think have to be present in some mix or measure in order for it to make ANY sense for a woman to stick around. Women getting all three seem to me to be pretty content. Women in relationships where one is missing, or not present in a goodly quantity can be happy with the other two. But a woman getting none? Ummmm…staying is just flat out stupid (in my considered opinion, of course).
And before I say what they are, let me add that there are other ingredients that get glommed in to the three (I guess I’m saying this because I’m worried that some of you may simply reach through your monitors and poke my eyes out when you read this), and I’ll explain that in a sec.
So, the holy trinity, as it were, of relationship gimmes is: Great sex, a future, and bling.
This is where Dawn snorted.
To explain these a bit more…
Great sex (includes general affection, and a man being the kind of man you need him to be (sensitive, a he-man, etc.)
A future (includes shared values, goals, interests—all the things that would need to be present if you were to have “a future” with someone)
Bling (not just jewelry, but that wouldn’t hurt—but what I really mean is that he’s generous and buys you stuff”)
See where I’m going with this?
Great Sex + Future + Bling = Paradise
And then, depending on the woman and what’s important to her, any of the following combos could give her enough to have the relationship be just delightful:
Great Sex + a Future + little to no Bling
Bling + Great Sex - Future
Future + Bling + Less Than Great Sex, or Little Sex
Our conversational woman had no future with the guy she also wasn’t having great sex with, *and* he wasn’t buying her a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
So what I can’t figure out is why she keeps hanging around.
I admit that sometimes, I don’t really understand women. We have needs. We gotta get, or we will not be happy. Unhappy women are bitches. Even *we* don’t like bitches. And the bitches never like being bitches. So why don’t they move on and find a man who doesn’t leave them feeling resentful and unhappy? Any ideas?
This is what I’m pondering today. Your input is most welcome.
We were talking today about why women (some…maybe many) stay in relationships with men where they’re unhappy.
We have talked through several such relationships in the years we’ve been friends, and today, in talking about the woman having an affair with a married man where the sex was awful, I said, said, “I don’t get it—she’s not getting even ONE of the big three.”
The big three are the chief ingredients I think have to be present in some mix or measure in order for it to make ANY sense for a woman to stick around. Women getting all three seem to me to be pretty content. Women in relationships where one is missing, or not present in a goodly quantity can be happy with the other two. But a woman getting none? Ummmm…staying is just flat out stupid (in my considered opinion, of course).
And before I say what they are, let me add that there are other ingredients that get glommed in to the three (I guess I’m saying this because I’m worried that some of you may simply reach through your monitors and poke my eyes out when you read this), and I’ll explain that in a sec.
So, the holy trinity, as it were, of relationship gimmes is: Great sex, a future, and bling.
This is where Dawn snorted.
To explain these a bit more…
Great sex (includes general affection, and a man being the kind of man you need him to be (sensitive, a he-man, etc.)
A future (includes shared values, goals, interests—all the things that would need to be present if you were to have “a future” with someone)
Bling (not just jewelry, but that wouldn’t hurt—but what I really mean is that he’s generous and buys you stuff”)
See where I’m going with this?
Great Sex + Future + Bling = Paradise
And then, depending on the woman and what’s important to her, any of the following combos could give her enough to have the relationship be just delightful:
Great Sex + a Future + little to no Bling
Bling + Great Sex - Future
Future + Bling + Less Than Great Sex, or Little Sex
Our conversational woman had no future with the guy she also wasn’t having great sex with, *and* he wasn’t buying her a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g.
So what I can’t figure out is why she keeps hanging around.
I admit that sometimes, I don’t really understand women. We have needs. We gotta get, or we will not be happy. Unhappy women are bitches. Even *we* don’t like bitches. And the bitches never like being bitches. So why don’t they move on and find a man who doesn’t leave them feeling resentful and unhappy? Any ideas?
This is what I’m pondering today. Your input is most welcome.
Yup, I snorted at the bling too! I'm not in a relationship, so it didn't hit any soft spots. But I agree the "big three" are important and they encompass more than it sounds like in the beginning.
But I would add the most important thing - something that too many women overlook. First and foremost, you just gotta be friends - good friends! You have to really like each other. You have to be able to converse and be comfortable with each other's silence. And as part of the friendship, you have to feel safe to vent your spleen and say what you feel knowing you will be cared for after tempers cool. That's my 2 cents worth - although, in the long run, it's probably worth a lot more than that!
Posted by: Cheryl A. Harless | January 03, 2009 at 05:45 PM
It would be very interesting to do a survey: "Where on the Big Three list does your relationship with your man rate?"
Ooooh, we could create a survey through Survey Monkey! That way it could be anonymous!
I'm still snorting!
Posted by: Dawn Goldberg | January 03, 2009 at 05:45 PM
I didn't snort, but I had to comment on this one. Coming from a single woman in her 40's, I NEED all three at this point in my life. I have worked too hard learning who I am and what I want to settle for anything less than the Big Three.
Posted by: Sandy | January 03, 2009 at 05:45 PM
I didn't snort; I just thought yep! Knowing me as you do, the bling isn't all that important to me, BUT when I get what I WANT (i.e.: iPod) it makes me happier!
Also, a man that makes a woman this happy, is very happy as well! :)
You are so insightful!
Posted by: Antonette | January 17, 2009 at 11:52 PM