Listening To My Life

Anew: On radicalness and struggle

Two weeks yesterday. It’s hard to believe that I felt so crappy, or was so miserable just a short time ago when today I can joyfully say that my energy is back, and so is my mental clarity. And I've lost 29lbs--what's not to love about that, or about what I've done?

I’ve been thinking a lot about struggle—this being the year of ease for me and all that.

One of the reasons I decided to have the surgery was that I was tired of struggling—with weight, with diabetes, with sciatica, with headaches, with, well, probably more than I even knew I was struggling with because it was my life and my daily reality.

The easy way out? Absolutely. Did I mention that the day after surgery I was off seven of eight of my prescription meds? Or that I used to take three Aleve each day for sciatica, and haven't taken anything for it since surgery? It's a miraculous easy way out.

But even as some of my friends keep questioning the radical nature of my having the surgery, I can’t help questioning the radical nature that kept me stuck for so many years, struggling in my body.

"Struggle is part of my DNA." I will never forget the day Jessica said that to me, and I knew in a nanosecond that It was my truth, too. It's what started the year of ease, and I've learned, and continue to learn, so very much.

We all make choices. And some people chose to lose gobs of weight over long periods of time following incredibly strict diets. For me, that particular tact didn’t work, nor did Jenny Craig, Weigh Watchers, E-diets, or Atkins, and I finally just decided that no one was going to pin any awards on my chest for fighting the good, but never-ending fight.

So I chose easy and quick, and 29lbs surely attests to that in one context, but this continues to not be without it’s slight struggles, too. I’m at the stage where I can eat “soft” foods, but finding out what my new little tummy can handle is no walk in the park, trust me. That scrambled egg I was so looking forward to on Sunday? Feh. It sat like a lump in the middle of my stomach for an hour.  An EGG.  Tuna salad is easier—but only a little. Cottage cheese is the best, to date, although liquids still rule in the ease category. I’ve not thrown anything up (yay!), and the strangest thing (to me) so far is that I burp a bit after I eat. I was never very gassy, and I hope this goes away and soon.

On the whole, this is the most remarkable thing I’ve ever done for myself. (I'm qualifying it..."for myself" because I posted this thought to Facebook yesterday and Chris reminded me that I've done some pretty big things)

On success

I was going through my Facebook friends feed tonight, and saw the following, posted by a coach I know. I suspect she posted it to have it be inspirational in a business context, so that's how I first read it. Then I sat for a bit, and read it again. Then again. Then I sat some more.

The ultimate question on my mind was this: About what do I feel this way?

There was only one thing, and I'll tell you what it is after you read the following

Success

If you want a thing bad enough
To go out and fight for it,
Work day and night for it,
Give up your time and your peace and your sleep for it

If only desire of it
Makes you quite mad enough
Never to tire of it,
Makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it

If life seems all empty and useless without it
And all that you scheme and you dream is about it,

If gladly you’ll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Lose all your terror of God or man for it,

If you’ll simply go after that thing that you want.
With all your capacity,
Strength and sagacity,
Faith, hope and confidence, stern pertinacity,

If neither cold poverty, famished and gaunt,
Nor sickness nor pain
Of body or brain
Can turn you away from the thing that you want,

If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
You’ll get it!

–by Berton Braley

Ok -- so there it is. And my one thing about which I feel that strongly? Love. Just love. And I feel powerfully blessed that I have people to love that deeply, and who feel that deeply about me.

What do you feel that strongly about?

Anew: Just another update ;)

Dawn pointed out yesterday that I'd not blogged in three days. Hey--I've been busy healing! ;)

I have nothing extraordinary to report--that's really it. Saw the doc yesterday--everything's fine. Managing to get in all my protein and liquids--so I guess I'm playing the game well. My ankles aren't at all swollen anymore. Did I mention that I'm off of seven of eight RX meds? LOVE that (and in case I didn't mention it, it happened the day after surgery).

As of this morning, I'm down 20lbs. I admit--that feels fanfuckintastic. And my body parts seem to fit together slightly differently. I wondered how that could be possible, and realized that although I've gained and lost this specific 20lbs probably 15 times, I've never done it in ten days. So, sure, my bits are going to feel like they fit differently, and my noticing is just heightened because of the extraordinarily shortened time frame it's happened in. Gotta keep that in mind. Everything about this is different than anything I've ever experienced before.

Oh, and I've found what I can't eat. The first, I'm sure. Pudding. Or, at least, pudding with protein powder mixed in. Tried that last night, and my stomach started rebelling in very unattractive ways. Maybe it's just too thick, or heavy. Whatever, it got me to stop immediately.

Truth is--proteins shakes are just easiest. Everything else is either disgusting, or just odd. I keep looking for alternatives, because drinking a shake four times/day is getting old. But I'm really not finding anything that's jazzing me, so, maybe it's time to surrender to the shake.

Nights are difficult. Dunno why. I'm not hungry at ALL during the day. 9pm rolls around, and I am DYING for something warm and solid. Can't really tell if I'm genuinely hungry (cause I don't have the hormone that signals that, anymore), but I feel SOMETHING. And now I know that I have greater willpower than I thought myself to have, because I haven't eaten anything.

But I swear...Sunday, when I eat for the first time, I know that experience is going to be full-on orgasmic. And I can't wait. First up? A scrambled egg. Never thought I'd be so excited about a scrambled egg, but this not eating thing is getting very old. So, yeah... a scrambled egg. And there will be much rejoicing in the land.

Anew: From the mouths of babes...

I've been deeply touched by the private notes I've received from my friends. Those who know me seem to take great delight in touching me so deeply that I cry. My friend Laura never fails--the minute I see a card or gift from her, I know I'm gonna be sobbing. Dawn does a really good job--sometimes when she's not expecting to. And joining the bunch is my beautiful friend H, who sent this along to me a few days ago:

Hi Beautiful!

I figured I'd stalk you in all possible forms :-) (except calling, because I want you to be focusing on sipping, walking and breathing..)

I hope you're a bit better now - I can't imagine how difficult this must be.  I wanted you to know that you've been the subject of a LOT of conversation in my house over the last few days. Nicholas is really interested in this new development of your life (keep in mind that 4 year olds are VERY self-centered).  Today, it's gone a little something like this:

N - Is Stacy better?
Me - I think she's better, but not all the way better.
N - What is she doing?  Is she watching TV?  Or reading? Or playing Wii?
Me - I'm pretty sure she's not playing Wii, but maybe the other two.  She says she's trying to walk, sip her drink and breathe.
N - Huh.  (long thinking pause) She can't walk?  I can walk.  Is she like a baby?
Me - No, she's not a baby, but her body needs to heal, and part of that means that things that she can usually do easily like walking and breathing take a little practice.
N - So she can't drink either? (there was a little side conversation here about what you should drink and eat and some serious interest in the foaming vitamins, but I'll spare you the details on that)
Me - Her surgery was on her stomach, so it hurts.
N - Does it hurt really, really bad, like when I fell and cut my head?
Me - Yeah, I think it hurts really bad.
N - Did she cry?
Me - Yes.
N - Huh. (another long thinking pause) I think she probably needs a cuddle.  That helps.  And maybe to cry some more.  That sometimes helps, but not if you cry too hard, 'cause then you just keep crying, and then it doesn't help.  But a cuddle.  And a nap.

So, forget all those doctors you've been getting advice from - Dr. Nicholas is prescribing a cuddle and a nap :-)

LOVE YOU BUNCHES!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

H

p.s. try not to laugh or sneeze.

Anew: Who knew?

Never occurred to me that four days after coming home from the hospital, I should be back in chore rotation here at home. Obviously D had other ideas, cause the dishes needed doing--I had no cups in which to make tea or broth, and the trash can was overflowing, and he sat and played a web-based game w/o saying a word to me while I did said dishes and emptied said trash. Guess he figures that if I'm well enough to lay on my back a table and get a facial, I'm well enough to do chores. Who knew one had anything to do with the other?

Note to self: You'll feel like crap for having written this when you feel better--as if writing it (or feeling the pissed offness and resentment) somehow makes you an ungrateful bitch, but it doesn't change the reality of what you just experienced.

Anew: From the lips of a drugged woman

Apparently, while in the hospital, high on pain meds, I thought my sock combo was really quite something. Believing that, I asked D to take a pic--to commemorate said somethingness. He showed this to Dawn and me today while we were watching a movie, and I nearly peed my pants. What WAS I thinking??  I'd show you the pic of me in the microwave hat, but there are some things I'm thinking I should just keep to myself, yanno? :)

Anew: Such love

D spent considerable time this morning rubbing all the betadine off my belly. That stuff is nasty--sticky, not easy to get off, and seems to be everywhere. Yep; yep, he loves me.

Anew: Random thoughts before bedtime

Right this second, I'm deeply and abidingly grateful for the following (and I'm sure there are many more things that I can't bring top of mind at the moment):

1. Everyone who loves me. There aren't enough words in the OED, fifty times over, to express this. But of absolutely special, special note are the three people who love me most in all the world, E, Dominic, and Dawn. I really need one name for them because it's impossible to put their names in order of importance, and I'd hate for any of them to feel less important to me than the others when listing them together.
2. John Powell, for sharing his smarts with me this afternoon and helping me feel safe.
3. Journeys--large and small.
4. My surgeon, Alex Gandsas, for giving me this chance, for being a brilliant surgeon, and for always making me smile with the way he walks in the room, looks at me and brightly says, "Hey, girl....how ya doin?"
4. Something Les wrote to me...very private, and omg-amazing, that made me realize that old friends--those who know where you came from--will never hesitate to remind you when you forget who you are.

Anew: Day three post-op

Better? Not really. Different, to be sure.

You saw the incisions. Only two of them hurt...and then only when I cough or sneeze. Guess that's not horrid.

Still can't sleep more than a couple of hours at a time, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm resting SO much that at bedtime my body just laughs at me. Guess that's not horrid.

I woke up last night in a cold sweat. I've never experienced that before, and don't know what caused it. Not sure if that's horrid, but I'd prefer to not experience it again.

Have some chest congestion. Have had it ever since I woke up in the PACU. I'm guessing it has to do with having been intubated. Want to take Mucinex, but I can't take a pill of that size, and Mucinex can't be crushed or chewed. The liquid is for kids, and I can't (literally) take enough to equal an adult dose. So I'm trying to make do. This is really kind of scary for me, but my plan is to call my lovely pharmacist, Jim, and ask him what he's seen people like me do.

And then, there's the gas. Not a lot of it, but some. And it's painful. Two kinds--stomach, and intestinal. The stomach gas goes away quickly with chewable Gas-X. And the intestinal, which starts low down on my right side and wraps around to my back is something I'm hoping to quell with a product aptly called Gas Defense Formula. More on that later.

I decided to shower and go out. Wanted to walk more, and I wanted to feel the sun on my face. So D and I went out. We went to pick up an RX from my Endocrinologist (which I'll also be discussing with my pharmacist), and then to Wegmans. Except for rubbing alcohol to help me get the betadine off my belly (Yech!), everything we got on THIS trip was for him.

And it was amazingly surreal to me, walking through the store, helping him choose the foods he wants to eat over the next several days, and not feeling in the least bit interested in any of it. There was a mild bit of, "Hmmm...that salami looks great!" but no desire for it, or even a note to self to get some at some point in the future. I looked at Ranier cherries and thought about how E would love some, but it never occurred to me that WE would share them. It's literally as if someone has flipped a switch, and all of that--my interest in food of any sort, is gone. There's a memory of it, but it feels literally like it's from another lifetime--not just four days ago. It's strange....and lovely, actually. I might, if it were possible, decline to ever engage with food again.

The sun felt good; it was nice to be out. But the foray left me tired, and my brain feeling addled. I think it's too soon for me to expect much of myself. Heck, it's probably too soon to expect anything at all. I even forgot to weigh my loose tea at Wegmans, and ended up tying up the check-out line while some poor guy ran back to do it for me. Blege. I'm never that girl. Ok, now I suppose I am officially "almost never" that girl.

To bed with me. More later...

Anew: Day two post-op...a pic is worth a thousand words

Six incisions.

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