Canada was great fun. Saw the Falls, missed spending time with Kevin Costner at the casino, met some truly fabulous people, got and shared information and ideas, spent time with an old friend, annnnnd...I learned a lot about myself, including that Dawn and I can spend nine hours in a car together and not at all want to kill each other, and...that I have some trust issues that need to be dealt with (not related to Dawn, which I wanted to make clear since I mentioned this in the same sentence with her). Two days after my return, and 2.5 hours in session with my fab therapist, I have a better way of looking at the thing that has had me spinning a little bit, and an idea for looking at any of the places where the trust thing rears up.
And my therapist has cleared me for my surgery. I'm delighted to know that, in his considered opinion, I'm aware, informed, realistic in my view of what this surgery will and will not do for me, and that I'm mentally competent to make the decision to have the surgery. Yay!
So, now, what's left is a meeting with the nutritionist (Tuesday), a cardiac eval (Wed--Dawn's coming with), another set of labs (sometime in the next couple of weeks), and my pre-op physical and final consult with my surgeon (July 7). I realize that I feel a bit like I'm counting down to a new me...and a new life. And I've realized that as I get closer, I'm more consciously aware that I'm looking forward to the changes and all the newness, and not in the least sad about what's being said goodbye to and left behind. Well, except, maybe, for the realization that I won't be able to eat as much dim sum, anymore. That gave me a second of pause yesterday. True dat! But then I got over myself, smiled, and focused again on the newness of my life and my reality, after surgery.
One thing I don't want to do is focus so much on what's coming up that I am less present for what's happening now. Now is wonderful, too. And I want to savor all of who and what I am, and what I'm doing and experiencing, right up to the moment when I head in to surgery and close this door as the new one opens.
For many, many years, I've struggled with goodbyes. I've written a lot about what it's been like for me when D goes on trips, and how for days in advance, I'm just beside myself with sadness....that then disappears as soon as he's actually gone.
And what I've learned through those moments is that things are always harder for the person staying behind than for the person leaving. The person staying behind has only the same day-to-day reality to look forward to, while the one leaving has new experiences on the horizon that the one staying behind will not be able to share. And at some point, the one leaving shifts his or her energy away from the present to solely focus on the leaving--the planning, the packing, etc., while the one staying usually watches.
I've been in both places, and being in the place of the one going is absolutely the easier of the two--at least for me. And now I'm preparing to go...to a place next to no one who loves me has ever been. So all I can do, metaphorically speaking, is invite them to be with me as I prepare, ride along with me to the airport, be waiting for me when I return, and be infinitely patient with me as I tell my travel story over and over for as long as I feel I need to tell it.
I have no idea who and what I'll be this time next year. Heck... I don't even know who and what I'll be by Christmas. My hope is that my body and my aliveness will change, but that who I am at my core will remain the same, or be somehow smarter and wiser. I don't foresee any negatives, but we never know, do we, what we'll discover on a journey.
I told my therapist last night that with all that I've survived and all that I've thrived in spite of, I knew I'd be ok with this major life shift, too. I just really want to be sure to deeply live every moment of it...now, as I prepare, during, and once my new life begins.
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