Listening To My Life

Anew: Cardiologist Part 2

Today was my echo. A lovely, warm, caring sonographer named Roy took very good care of me, and let me know that my heart looks fine. That was music to my ears.

My doc confirmed that, and said that his partner (the one who specializes in electrical impulses in the heart) was kinda concerned about the anomoly of the other day, so they now want me to come back next week (Friday) for a nuclear stress test. He gave me an RX for a beta-blocker to make my heart rate lower, too.

I'm not scared. I'm frustrated a bit.

Dominic will be with me, as Dawn will be off to a fine high-school reunion weekend. Sweet BFF that she is, she offered to change her plans so she could be there for me. I'd love her there, and I'll miss her, but I want her to go have fun, yanno? And Dominic isn't exactly a slouch of a replacement.

I'll be fine. And hopefully, this test will clear everything up, and I'll be done with the cardiologist.

Anew: And then there was the cardiologist

Yesterday was my cardiac eval. I don't really even know what I want to say about this, except that Dawn went with me (and I was oh-so grateful to have her there!), I really like my cardiologist, and they found, during my stress test, a strange electrical impulse coming from a place it shouldn't have been. So they've ordered an electrocardiogram for tomorrow (Dawn is coming along for that, too, thank goodness), and we'll see what happens.

I'm trying very hard to not be scared or worried right now.

More tomorrow....and please, think good thoughts for me. ♥

Anew: Next up--the nutritionist

Yesterday, I saw the nutritionist in my surgeon's practice. Part of the reason I'm not seeing her earlier than now (three weeks pre-op) is because when I came into the process, she was on vacation.

First of all...I don't mean to bitch, but what I've learned is that the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing, and that's something I want to share here, so that if any of YOU plan to go through this process, you have a better sense of what you might expect than I've had.

So I showed up, as scheduled, with two hundred dollar bills. The deal is that I have to pay for the nutritionist--it's a required thing, and my health insurance doesn't cover it. That sucks, BUT... it's just $150, and gives me access to her for a YEAR, so it's a mighty fine deal, and I didn't mind that I had to pay it.

But I was told that I had to pay it in CASH. So I showed up with cash. And they couldn't make change. I was told, "We need you to go get change." Ummmm... and just where am I supposed to sprint off to to do that?? As I clearly looked annoyed, the woman then said, "Do you have another form of payment?" Ummmm...I stared at her while inside my head I screamed, "Yes, but you TOLD ME I HAD TO PAY IN CASH!"  She went on. "You can put it on a card."

So on the card it went, and in short order, I found myself face to face with Nancy the nurtritionist--a talk, lanky, beautiful blonde. I might have, at some other time, been put off by that. A TLBB in an office full of fat people on some level just seems...well, cruel. But yesterday, I found it inspiring. I, too, want to be a tall, lanky (at least as lanky as my bone structure will allow), beautiful blonde redhead.

Spending my hour with Nancy was revelational in many ways. I like her, her style, and her thoughts about lifestyle changes. I look forward to working with her. And I also left a bit annoyed--again, with the process.

That's because I left with a three-hour DVD that I need to watch that covers all the stuff a person needs to know about food pre-op and post-op. Usually delivered in a three-hour long class, I have the DVD because no one told me about the class, no one scheduled it for me, and now I can't make it to the only class between now and the time I have my surgery.

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. Had I attended the class, I'd have gone alone. Because I have the DVD, Dominic can watch it with me. His learning more can only be a good thing.

I have another thought to share about fully informed decision making, but I'll reserve that for after the DVD is watched.

Today is my cardiac eval. I feel fine about it, but perhaps that's because Dawn is going with me. We'll see what happens. :)

Anew: By next spring, I'll be:

In coaching, one of the things I've learned is that many of us tell ourselves lies that come in the form of:

I can't do ________ until I ________

For instance:

* I can't go to the pool until I lose 10 lbs and look better in a bathing suit
* I can't ask Greg to the dance until my funky haircut grows out
* I can't pitch my biz to the media until I have more clients

Of course, the reality is that we can, in fact, do anything we want, whenever we want. We don't have to wait for anything to happen, as long as we're actually able to do the thing we want to do.

And I've done that to myself, to some degree...although, in reality, there are just things that bigger bodies don't do well or easily. So, while I agree I could have done them to the best of my current ability, I absolutely know that I couldn't have done them the way I would want to do them.

But by next spring? All bets are off.

And so, with a new, slimmer, stronger, more able body forthcoming, I've started to think about the kinds of things I want to be doing with joy and with ease.

So far, I've come up with:

* Riding a bike
* Swimming
* Yoga
* Hooping (as in with a hula hoop, not as in basketball--if you've never seen it, take a peek!)

* Dance of Shiva (bought this from Havi late last year, and want to be oh-so much better able to do it--joint pain is a bitch, and really prevents me from doing this well. I *will be* a Shivanaut!)

I look forward to seeing how this list grows and changes (I'll add to it with dates of the additions as I go along). What kinds of exercise do you really love that I should be considering?

Anew: We're back! (and other stuff)

Canada was great fun. Saw the Falls, missed spending time with Kevin Costner at the casino, met some truly fabulous people, got and shared information and ideas, spent time with an old friend, annnnnd...I learned a lot about myself, including that Dawn and I can spend nine hours in a car together and not at all want to kill each other, and...that I have some trust issues that need to be dealt with (not related to Dawn, which I wanted to make clear since I mentioned this in the same sentence with her). Two days after my return, and 2.5 hours in session with my fab therapist, I have a better way of looking at the thing that has had me spinning a little bit, and an idea for looking at any of the places where the trust thing rears up. 

And my therapist has cleared me for my surgery. I'm delighted to know that, in his considered opinion, I'm aware, informed, realistic in my view of what this surgery will and will not do for me, and that I'm mentally competent to make the decision to have the surgery.  Yay!

So, now, what's left is a meeting with the nutritionist (Tuesday), a cardiac eval (Wed--Dawn's coming with), another set of labs (sometime in the next couple of weeks), and my pre-op physical and final consult with my surgeon (July 7). I realize that I feel a bit like I'm counting down to a new me...and a new life. And I've realized that as I get closer, I'm more consciously aware that I'm looking forward to the changes and all the newness, and not in the least sad about what's being said goodbye to and left behind.  Well, except, maybe, for the realization that I won't be able to eat as much dim sum, anymore. That gave me a second of pause yesterday. True dat! But then I got over myself, smiled, and focused again on the newness of my life and my reality, after surgery.

One thing I don't want to do is focus so much on what's coming up that I am less present for what's happening now. Now is wonderful, too. And I want to savor all of who and what I am, and what I'm doing and experiencing, right up to the moment when I head in to surgery and close this door as the new one opens.

For many, many years, I've struggled with goodbyes. I've written a lot about what it's been like for me when D goes on trips, and how for days in advance, I'm just beside myself with sadness....that then disappears as soon as he's actually gone.

And what I've learned through those moments is that things are always harder for the person staying behind than for the person leaving. The person staying behind has only the same day-to-day reality to look forward to, while the one leaving has new experiences on the horizon that the one staying behind will not be able to share. And at some point, the one leaving shifts his or her energy away from the present to solely focus on the leaving--the planning, the packing, etc., while the one staying usually watches.

I've been in both places, and being in the place of the one going is absolutely the easier of the two--at least for me. And now I'm preparing to go...to a place next to no one who loves me has ever been. So all I can do, metaphorically speaking, is invite them to be with me as I prepare, ride along with me to the airport, be waiting for me when I return, and be infinitely patient with me as I tell my travel story over and over for as long as I feel I need to tell it.

I have no idea who and what I'll be this time next year. Heck... I don't even know who and what I'll be by Christmas. My hope is that my body and my aliveness will change, but that who I am at my core will remain the same, or be somehow smarter and wiser. I don't foresee any negatives, but we never know, do we, what we'll discover on a journey.

I told my therapist last night that with all that I've survived and all that I've thrived in spite of, I knew I'd be ok with this major life shift, too. I just really want to be sure to deeply live every moment of it...now, as I prepare, during, and once my new life begins.

Another first (or two) ;)

Shortly--like within the hour, my BFF and I are leaving on a road trip to Canada. Niagara Falls, to be exact.

While we've been to Canada together, and technically on a road trip, it was on a family vacation, and we didn't ride in the same car, except for a very short piece of the journey. This time, it's just the two of us.

So, our first road trip together.

I asked her what makes a good road trip for her--wanting to make sure that we could factor in our individual comforts. Her answer was perfect. Paraphrasing...she didn't want to script it, because she wanted this to be about the journey, not the destination.

YummO!

Not that I have any idea what's between here and our destination that might make the journey extra fun, but I'm sure willing to find out ;)

And the destination should be fun, too. Niagara Falls is a place I've been to several times, but Dawn has never seen (so another first). I look forward to showing her the things I love, and to learning to love things together, and to seeing what she loves.

We're going because we're speaking at a conference on Friday--another first because we've never presented together. I hate public speaking, but this should be fun. More on that later ;)

I'm sure we'll be tweeting the journey, so if you don't follow us and want in on the action, do. We're @stacybrice and @dawngoldberg

Until soon...