Catching up

I’ve been away a long time. So long, in fact, that someone posted a comment to say, “ANOTHER DEAD BLOG!” Ouch.

Not dead; not really. Just so much going on in my life that listening to it and living it has been just about all I’ve been able to do. Writing about it just hasn’t been in the cards.

And now, I’m stuck wondering if I should just pick up from this point, or try to fill in some of what’s been happening since I last wrote. It seems as though catching up would be difficult, at best. But not offering up anything of what’s happened would make anything I share now seem like something’s missing (kinda like when you run to the kitchen without pausing a movie and then try to figure out the details shared while you were gone).

So…I’ll give catching up a shot, and we’ll see where we end up.

When last I wrote, D had left for Aruba, and I was feeling much better following some kick-ass massage and Reiki with N. That was a Saturday, and the next day brought a life-altering experience I never expected.

I’d gone to New York to spend the day with E. Now, I’ve not written before about E, because—well, I don’t know that there’s a good reason, really, except that E, and the relationship we have, is difficult to talk about in any way that makes sense, I think, to anyone except he and I.

But to try to give you a snippet of this—E is someone with whom I share the most remarkable connection and bond. According to J, E and I have a soul agreement, and have been together before in other lifetimes. She gave it a name: Safety of Heart. I never would have come up with this, but the moment she said it I burst into tears for its utter perfection. I cried because E absolutely is the safest person in the world for me. Our relationship is such a sanctuary of love and peace and comfort for us both…and beyond that, I really don’t know what to say about it.

So I’d gone off to New York to spend the day with E. This was the first time he and I would be spending that much time together, alone. And I was excited to see where he took me and what we’d do together. And although what we did was fun, the life-altering thing that happened was that I realized just how deep the connection and bond we shared actually is. How amazingly vast the love is. It’s deeper and more vast than anything I’ve ever experienced with anyone, ever. And the realization was, for me, all at once, like getting beaned over the head with a bat (in that there was no way for me to miss it), and a soft, gentle unfolding thing (in that it didn't come as a jarring realization).

I remark on it with such superlatives because I honestly can’t think of another way to even try to explain it, him, or us to you. Oh, wait. Let me share a promise E made to me, and maybe you’ll get it. He and I share a private blog, where we write to each other and explore the connection we share. In it, he wrote to me:

While I live (and beyond as we know), you will never be unloved,
un-cared for, uncherished, un-watched over, un-listened to,
untreasured, unnurtured, or truly alone.

Now do you get it? I sure hope so, cause I don’t know what else to share to begin to get close to the heart of it all. :)

So I returned home from New York that same night, with a calm and a peace I’d not felt in a very long time—including before D left for Aruba. And it continued through the week until D came home. He had a good time, was terribly tan (lil growl), and we were both so happy he was home. Hearing about E, he seemed to actually understand it. In reality, all of my closest friends seem to actually understand it. That surprised me because J had told me that people wouldn’t understand it—that it doesn’t conform to expected relationship norms, and it would be too difficult for most people to get. Maybe my friends get it because they’re not “most people?” Maybe they’re in my life because I need folks around me who can get esoteric woo-woo stuff? Whatever the case, I’m thankful they all get it and don’t seem to find it at all odd that I have a relationship of this sort, with a man, and with a man who isn’t D.

April really was a whirl-wind. After D came home, life went on as usual, then E came to DC for four days for a conference, and I went with him. What a grand time we had. How much further forward our relationship leapt! If it’s at all possible, the level of my astonishment grows daily over the immenseness of this…of its powerfulness.

I was super happy that Dawn got to meet him. D already knows E. Now almost all of the very most important people in my life know one another. That makes me happy.

The rest of April was spent doing two things…nurturing/growing/dealing with relationships, and dealing with the need to have a trench dug under our apartment. UGH.

It seemed that, over the years, a sewer pipe had sunken and bulged, causing problems for other units in our building. The sunken and bulged part was under us. I wrote about it over on Virtual Moxie—about how I made it as effortless for us as it could possibly be. We moved out for a week, and stayed in corporate housing. The apartment we were in was very nice, we were able to keep the cats with us, and I have to say that if we had to be away from home, it really provided the best possible scenario for us. Back at home, they did what they needed to do, gave us new carpet, repainted for us, and gave us a new bathroom floor (they ended up having to dig that up, too, which they didn’t expect). We moved back in, Dawn helped me unpack (which was actually great fun!), and life went back to normal. Well, normal for us, at least.

The last Friday in April, Dawn had an editing party, and I was sooo happy to participate and support her. You can read more about that here, and here. Dawn just blows me away with her courage. How lucky am I to have such a best friend, huh?

And now it’s May. And Spring is finally here in the Baltimore area. Pollen covers everything, and we’re seeming to have our “April showers” this month instead, but I am infinitely happy to have the many sunshiny days.

In the meantime, and when I probably needed her most (to date), J was on her own journey. Not dissimilar to Carla’s move, J, moved by spirit to live near the water, sold her condo in Boulder, packed all her stuff in storage, drove to the west coast, and looked around the Bay area to find a new home.

The reason I tell this story, besides wanting to give J some serious props for doing what most people would never, ever do, is to tell this little tale.

My fabulous and amazing therapist, Mark Shuler, lives near Carmel. On the phone with him on a Wednesday, I told him about J, what I was learning from her in our work together, and how amazing she is. He looked at her website, and said to me, “I need to know her.” I suggested he write to her, and on that very Friday, he sent me email with the subject line: Not a good pic of me, but it tells a story intuitively and therapeutically. It was a pic of he and J!

I was utterly dumbfounded that in less than two days since I first mentioned her to him, he’d made it work to meet her (heck, even I haven’t met her!). Apparently he’d written to her, she’d replied, he toured her around Carmel and environs, and they’d passed a very nice few hours together.

Synchronicity is just the grandest.

And I guess that one sentence sums up for me what this last month has been about—synchronicities, and exploring what comes of them. A lot comes of them when you’re paying attention. And I sure try to—even when it means that paying such attention doesn’t lead to my blogging as much as I might want to.

Comments

[Laura Jo Richins]

I'm glad you're back. What a beautiful post. After such a dysfunctional childhood, I compliment you on the changes you have made in your life, the paths you have chosen that have brought you to a point where you have attracted so many wonderful people into you life. So many people that love you and want to understand you, and do, surround you. Honestly, isn’t that what every child should feel and take with them into adulthood? I’m so glad you’re experiencing it now. Thanks for sharing. xoxox

LJ

[A]

LJ, thank you so much for this. I wasn't conscious of the fact that I'm living, now, the things that I should have been living then. What a wonderful thought! So many broken children never get to, I'd imagine, even as adults.

Another wonderful thing to be infinitely grateful for. Thanks again for illuminating it for me.

xoxo
A

[Sandra Trca-Black]

So glad you're back (not that I wanted to pressure you...)! :)

So true that your friends are not "most people." Which makes perfect sense, you being you.

xox